Mark Malkoff Spends Month on AirTran to Overcome Fear of Flying

The fear of flying is a perfectly acceptable one (and there's nothing wrong with being afraid of rollercoasters, OKAY?). But life, often, is about overcoming fears. Which is exactly why Mark Malkoff, a 33-year-old comedian and filmmaker, is living on AirTran planes for the next thirty days: he wants out of the dark shadow of fear.

This isn't some publicity stunt either (as far as I can tell): Malkoff seems to legitimately want to get over this fear of flying ... how else can you reasonably explain him taking a shower in an airplane.

In fact, he's avoiding the airport, changing planes via the tarmac (the first hint that AirTran is obviously involved here) and doing push-ups and sprints in the aisles of the airplane for exercise.

Of course, my theory that he's not doing it as a publicity stunt could be shot down by the fact that he's Twittering/Facebooking the whole thing and has a website up about his experience: MarkonAirTran.com.

However, in this day and age, if you do anything remotely resembling a 30-day excursion on a slew of various airplanes, you should probably consider creating a blog about the experience; it's the modern-day, electronic version of a journal, and there's always the chance that some PR firm (say, hypothetically, um, AirTran's???) could pick up on the experience and offer to cop you for the flights -- which, I would presume, is what the airline is doing in this case.

Mark's obviously no stranger to that experience either; he's done previous "projects" like "Mark Lives in IKEA" where he lived in an IKEA store for 30 days and "171 Starbucks" where he visited 171 Manhattan Starbucks in one day. So, yeah, he gets this viral stuff.

Plus, this is the type of story that everyone loves (hence this posting) and in a world where people get famous for doing stupid things on YouTube, there's always a free 15 minutes to be had out there -- it's pretty obvious that Malkoff figured out exactly how to get his.

(Picture via Mark's fantastic Flickr stream. If that's not cool, email me and I'll swap, sir.)

JetAmerica Offering $9 Airplane Tix

Airplanes typically tend to favor bigger markets; this is an obvious economic trend based on the fact that more people and more money reside in said markets.

But just like .OBP was ignored for years in baseball (see Michael Lewis' Moneyball), the large-market trending of airlines creates a value void of sorts: which is exactly why JetAmerica is offering $9 airplane flights from various mid-size markets.

Clearwater, Fla.-based JetAmerica said 34 nonstop passenger flights a week will
start July 13 at Toledo, Ohio; South Bend, Ind.; Melbourne, Fla.; Newark, N.J.;
Minneapolis and Lansing, Mich. Twenty-eight flights start or end at Newark
Liberty International Airport. The carrier will add six more flights — from
Toledo to Minneapolis — starting Aug. 14.

And the reason they're flying into places like this is that, as mentioned above, the mid-size markets have been ignored. Oh, that and they're getting subsidies from the various geographical locations in order to provide service there for cheap, cheap rates.

Yes, the word "subsidy" sends a shiver down my spine too, but remember, these are coming from the airfields themselves. It's not some awkward GM/Big Tobacco situation.

Man in Hurry for Bathroom on Delta Flight Charged With Felony Assault

There's nothing worse than needing to go to the bathroom on an airplane, standing up, and seeing the dreaded drink cart/stewardess combo staring back at you. There's no other recourse than to return to your seat, cross your legs and wait it out. Unless you're Joao Correa of Concord, Ohio.

Joao Correa of Concord, Ohio, says he had a bathroom emergency but his path was blocked by a beverage cart during the March 28 flight from Honduras to Atlanta. He asked if he could use the lavatory in business class, but was told no.

[...]Authorities say the 43-year-old man is accused of pulling and twisting the flight attendant's arm. He was arrested when the plane landed in Atlanta and charged with assault.

Right off the bat, I'll go ahead and say it: I feel bad for this guy. There's nothing more terrifying than having a "natural urge" (read: bowel movement) than on an airplane flight. Typically, there's some turbulence or a long line or just the awkwardness of having to hit someone's head with your rear end as you're semi-sprinting down the isle.

But with that drink cart and an unruly stewardess and the panic that sets in, well, I can kind of see why he freaked out. At the same time though, if Meet the Parents taught us anything, it's that you don't ever get angry with a flight attendant. It just doesn't work out well for anyone.

Tricks of the Trade: The Last Minute Seat Change Request

Ramsey Qubein is Travelin' Light's on-the-road correspondent.

Hardly one of my signature moves, but one of my smartest decisions when I travel is to never give up on perfecting my seat assignment. Yes, I said it, "perfecting" my seat assignment.

Okay, so I snagged an excellent window seat near the front or a popular aisle exit row in advance. But, these days with new fees in place for premium seats and tools like seatguru.com giving travelers more informative choices on where to sit, you can hardly risk it.

Say for example, you're on a long-haul Tokyo-New York flight like I was recently. You scour the seat map for days and weeks ahead of time plotting your move like a football coach before the big game. As the players move around on the map and the seat choices fill up, a disheartening feeling can quickly settle in that you will be squeezed between Big Bertha and Pa Kettle for a 13-hour flight.

Or, you can pull this trick of the trade move. As they call for boarding (and with your most polite and gentle demeanor), ask if there is anyone sitting next to you or if there are any seats with open seats next to them. By this time, most people have received their assigned seats. You stand a really good chance of scoring some of the best seats in the house. The agent will remember your friendly smile and do their best not to assign those seats at the last minute to anyone else.

Sure, this doesn't work on a full flight or a busy gate with lots of agents. But, it worked on my Tokyo-New York flight where I scored three seats by a window on which I proceeded to create my own First Class bed for the 13-hour flight.

You would be surprised at how often blocked seats go unassigned or entire rows remain empty until right before the door closes and then only those passengers seating nearby notice them or have a chance to make a run for them. Do your homework in advance and with the agent at the gate to benefit without paying a fortune.

Woman 'Slightly Upset' Over Missing Flight [Video]

I've missed a flight or two in my day. I've also had a Jolt Cola or two in my day. But I've never had those two events occur simultaneously on a single day. But if they did, I think the following video of a lady at the Hong Kong airport, after missing her flight, would be a close approximation of what might happen. (There is aggressive shouting in the following video, those of you with speakers and no office privacy.)

Tricks of the Trade: Max Out Your Int'l Seat

Ramsey Qubein is Travelin' Light's on-the-road correspondent.

Overseas travelers can maximize their Economy class values by always requesting seats as far forward in the cabin as possible. Some airlines permit seat reservations at the time of booking, but others charge for the service or assign seats at check-in. It pays to arrive at the airport early to reserve seats as far forward as possible (remember to mention those exact words). Some airline companies assign seats from the back of the plane forward while others randomly assign seats.

Alitalia has aircraft (namely their MD-80 series) with larger Business Class seats installed, but on most flights these premium seats are not completely sold leaving them to Economy passengers in the first few rows. Travelers may not even realize they’ve been given these more spacious seats until boarding! Other airlines including Air France and Lufthansa provide Economy-style seats in Business Class and block off the middle seat for passengers paying the premium. This provides the flexibility to expand the Business Class cabin as needed, but this still proves beneficial to passengers booking window and aisle seats in the first few rows of these planes as the armrest is positioned differently offering a couple of extra inches.

This advice is strictly for narrowbody flights within Europe as many airlines operate larger equipment with a different inflight product on transcontinental or transoceanic services. Still, this signature trick of the trade is worth noting as the benefits of extra leg or arm room can always come in handy!

From the "About Time" Dept: Radar May Check for Flocks of Birds

Remember that whole "Plane takes off," "Goose flies in engine," "engine catches on fire," "Plane lands in Hudson River" sequence that happened two weeks ago? (Answer: of course you do.)

Well, the whole thing could have been avoided by simply having radar to detect flocks of birds. Which someone is working on, apparently.

Federal aviation officials say a handful of U.S. airports will soon begin testing experimental radar systems designed to track flocks of birds.

The new technology can monitor birds as far as six miles away from an airfield. It's being tested at airports in Seattle, Chicago and Dallas.

Oh, wow! That's awesome! Except ... WHY DON'T WE ALREADY HAVE THIS? Seriously, airplane people: you have technological systems that allow planes to land themselves, and yet, you can't figure out when a giant group of birds, flying together (likely south, or possibly north) are headed towards an airplane, which is, by the way, also a giant metal object. Sigh.

And That's Why ... You Don't Carry 110 Pounds of Drugs in Your Luggage

There are countless ways -- so I'm told -- to smuggle drugs into the country. One of those, naturally, is the old standby: using your luggage. The additional "Jackie Brown" (or Rum Punch for Elmore Leonard aficionados) spin on this is simply getting a flight attendant to handle the smuggling for you.

They rarely get checked. Which typically makes this a more viable alternative than filling your shampoo bottle with an illegal substance. But when they do, well, things can get kind of ugly.

A South African Airways crew is free on bail in London after being questioned about drugs that were discovered in bags at Heathrow Airport.

British Revenue and Customs officials say three pilots and 12 flight attendants were taken into custody after 110 pounds of marijuana and eight pounds of cocaine worth more than $220,000 were found in three bags following a flight from Johannesburg to London.

That is, too paraphrase Led Zeppelin, a whole lotta drugs. (Ba-da-da-dump-dump-dump...) OK, but no, seriously, it is. It's like filling your entire travel pillow with chalkdust. That's illegal. Or stuffing your dog with pot and then trying to carry him through security. Or ... you know what? I'm just going to stop while I'm ahead.

In silver lining news, at least these flight attendents weren't on the U.S. Airways flight that landed in the Hudson. They'd be pulling a pretty shoddy profit margin right now.

U.S. Airways Compensates Flight 1549 Passengers, Is Really, Really Sorry About That Whole 'Crash' Thing

The perceived lost for an airline crash -- in terms of per capita, assuming everyone survives, natch -- is probably pretty high when you factor in all the luggage that goes missing. So it stands to reason that U.S. Airways will be reimbursing everyone involved in the Flight 1549 Hudson River fiasco to the full extent.

Or not.

U.S Airways has sent $5,000 checks to each of the 150 passengers on the Charlotte-bound Flight 1549 to compensate them for lost luggage and other belongings.

But hey, at least they got a letter!

In a letter sent to passengers, an airline executive said she was "truly sorry." The letter also explained that passengers' belongings left in the plane could be stuck with investigators for months.

The airline also said it would reimburse passengers for their ticket costs.

Look, not to knock the airline's policy here, but, um, it seems a little short of "fair." When I travel, I'm usually sporting, at minimum, about $4,000 worth of electronic gear. That's not counting all the clothes that I'm bringing on a trip, any souvenirs I purchased or the Honus Wagner rookie baseball cards I don't leave home without*. Or the diamond collection I carry in my luggage at all times*.

But seriously, what about the time spent sitting in the Hudson freaking River? I get that economy stinks, and that everyone lived so we should be happy, but these people won't see their stuff again for a long, long while and, frankly, even if/when it shows up, assuming it's in good condition, I'm willing to be that five grand doesn't cover the bill for most of the people on the flight.

*Just in case this every happens to me, the proof is out there.

Delta Passengers Subdue Man Making Bomb Threats

On January 8th, a man aboard a Delta airlines flight was subdued by fellow passengers after he made bomb threats and attempted to open the plane's rear emergency exit. After the man was restrained, the plane landed safely at Hartsfield Airport in Atlanta and the man, 45-year-old Lawrence Johnson of Kentucky, was arrested by airport police.

The man reportedly threatened passengers that he had a bomb, and that they should not come near him.

This occurred after Johnson shoved a flight attendant to reach the rear emergency exit, according to Chris Llewellyn, one of the passengers who restrained the man. Lewellyn is a guitarist for rapper Asher Roth.

Although aviation experts have said it would have been impossible for the passenger to open any of the plane's doors because of cabin pressure (the physics on that aren't really clear to me, but they're the experts) one still gains some enjoyment from imagining a rapper's crew getting to wreck shop on airplane. It seems like a role-made-in-heaven for Ice-Cube.

One gains even more enjoyment from the story upon learning that Asher Roth is not a stereotypical mainstream rapper, but rather a 23-year-old white guy from the suburbs of Morrisville, Pennsylvania. Seriously. Somewhere, right now, Vanilla Ice is walking around in a house he just lost to the sub-prime crisis saying "Represent."